Iso-penning

Hey,

Isn’t there anything else to do in the world besides visit the recycle depot, be exhausted or feel so alone you could be the only person on the planet? I should go home and make myself a cup of tea. I’m not in a good space, feeling much too isolated.

The crappy part is I imagine other people have vastly more exciting lives, and I can’t possibly live up to all of that or find anyone wanting to share my day at the moment. I think I have to start shopping at Kin’s inside the mall. Every time I venture into the other grocers nearby, I feel so disappointed. And, life is hard sometimes; we should do what we can to cheer ourselves up.

I slept in until 930 today, and visited the library. From there, however, it’s been an uphill battle, and time has gotten away from me. I will try again tomorrow.

–Sam

 

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lumos

I’m really tired, but feel like today should get credit for being a decent one. I had a Kit-Kat and a hot cup of tea for a treat at work, stayed cozy and had a really good stir fry for dinner.

I’m moving again on the weekend and really looking forward to having my own place again, and enjoying some new sights and features (Balcony!!! Elevator!!!). I don’t feel at all prepared to relocate my things. Thank goodness, I think I have even less of them than even after the original ‘downsizing’ episode. So taking what’s here to the new place shouldn’t be that scary, but still.

I’m glad I can be me, and be human. And I’m glad I can share that with others and that I’m not afraid to be alone with myself. I’m glad curiosity is not extinct and that I can recharge when and how I need to.

Thank you for the great moments today. They are appreciated.

I can hardly wait to set up shop, sleep in my own bed, get lost in books and movies and tunes and let the light shine in! Also, pancakes and level ground! Clambering out from a cupboard under the stairs up to freedom on the top floor, good things are ahead (not sure I’ll be able to avoid the 3rd floor corridor though — good thing I’m dog person, haha 🙂 ).

I killed my plant

My succulent has expired. Kinda ironic 🙂 Today was very solid otherwise… Got everything done/organized for the day at work — Maysome made me a cup of tea, which was just perfect! Made it home on the bus without incident. Dinner was amazingly restorative, with the house to myself, clean kitchen, good tunes and fresh food that ultimately ended up as pesto pasta and spinach salad (shout out to my sister who let me borrow herself and her vehicular talents to do some legit grocery shopping on the weekend for the first time in a long time). Listening to Bruce Cockburn with headphones while writing this and then off to watch Black Panther on Netflix and sleep like the dead.

Today was a good one and worth noting!

–Sam

 

 

P01: party of one

I’m writing this pep talk for myself. Despite no contact with the outside world, not leaving the house and going solo today, I’ve managed to bake this cake and put a little icing on top, and savour the eating of it without belly-flopping. Me, myself and I have had a pretty decent weekend. If I think about any of it for too long, I forget to breathe. So this is just a reminder to take a breath, and celebrate the little victories, and it’s ok to just ‘do you’ 🙂

~

Dear Self,

Play a few notes on the Cello. Stop trying to stay between the lines and come back to Being present. Don’t forget the Pancakes! Mix in a little Sunshine. Take a hot shower and a pleasant age to DIY a mani-pedi, marvel a minute. Do some Yoga. Watch a few documentaries, drink copious amounts of chocolate milk. Pay bills, hunt houses. Remember: “Laundry today, or naked tomorrow!” Gather the groceries, prepare the stretchy pants, tunes and peanut butter. Listen when I tell you life is good and probably nobody gives a fig if you end up singing a smattering of Christmas songs in September.

–Sam

Summers, growing pains

Life, it seems, is never dull.

I don’t think I’ve been bored for more than 5 minutes for all of recent history, by which I mean as much and as far back as I can remember, and most especially the past 3 years….

In the beginning of 2015, I moved out of my volunteer role at CMHA and into that of staff receptionist. December 2015 marked the end of my battles with the Ministry of Social Development and Innovation, as they were once called… Words can not describe the pain of that experience nor the relief I felt at being told that the pain was now ended. I also graduated university. But Mr T. was in bad shape and Christmas that year was a rocky one for a few surprising reasons.

In 2016, I started working full time. I went to Quebec that summer for 2 weeks to cheer for my brother, competing at Mont-Sainte-Anne. It was an amazing experience, very hot, and lots of fun. Fall was full of challenges, and a seeming truckload of isolation and stress, because I remember attending a series of counselling sessions seeking some guidance for my lost and weary soul, asking that this Christmas be better than the last. And it was.

2017, from what I can recall had snow until March, a heatwave, a fire up the street, and a crazy amount of work with CMHA on the the North Shore in transition, with myself and my team headed to our new home at the Vancouver-Fraser branch. First stop Vancouver, second stop, New West!

2018 in progress, and Today: Jury is still out on whether this year will be Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down, or Sideways 😀

I chose to move from a home I loved to keep a job I love. Stress-levels were sky high from January-June, what with moving home and office, learning new systems, meeting new people, exploring new territory and managing expectations. I feel like now, at the end of August, maybe I’ve succeeded in taking a minute for myself and am strong enough to get to where I want to be, again! Evolution is fascinating.

So, this post is really about me taking a moment to remember where I came from, where I am and where I am going. And more than anything, I want to go home. Right now I have a roof over my head, but it is not home. Not for me. I feel at home on the Coast, and I felt at home on Lonsdale. I feel at home when I go camping. Home is supposed to feel safe, bring you joy, and here that is rarely the case — I’m lucky if I can carry enough groceries through the door to make a meal, or a chance to speak anything heartfelt to anyone outside of work. And I feel like everything I do is viewed as disruptive or suspect.

I haven’t gone camping yet this year, and that is a crime. Nonetheless, there is a definite camping vibe happening here for me, in that my consumption of fun, fast and low impact foods has increased dramatically and I feel like I have to hike everywhere, and it’s a if I’m in a pup tent in the rain while the neighbours are glamping around in their vehicular monstrosities, eating steak, and watching cable, unaware of the spectacle they have become or the waste they create. Don’t get me wrong, I love tenting in the rain, just the contrasts, duration and cost is starting to really get to me. **Note also that usually my camping experiences are much more fun, and come with much more ice-cream or hot chocolate depending on the time of year 🙂

Home is a very important place. I had hoped for the best in this arrangement, and got much less. Life is harder and a lot less fun than it has been for a while and I am eager to change that. I have lost some independence, but strengthened my resolve. I have a plan and I will act on it to make sure better days are ahead.

And… seven hundred words later, this post is about to conclude. One last thing: I’m thinking about getting a tattoo.

–Sam

 

person holding a green plant
Photo by Akil Mazumder on Pexels.com

4:53

I’m craving normal conversation and hugs. And comfort and optimism. I woke up this morning and felt awful, decided to take a sick day and fell back asleep until noon. Porridge for brunch, cleaned up a bit and now I have to attempt more adult-ing activities, namely grocery shopping and house hunting, and maybe I’ll get to see Rube later. I feel like I’m gonna keel over, and it’s 24 degrees outside which sounds fun, but isn’t… So, if I manage those 2 things, I think I will take myself out for a reward of some sort. Or maybe I’ll just come back and play some cello.

where from here?

I didn’t know if I was going to make it past 1030am today. I only started work at 10am. It was an interesting day. My phone is dead, so, sorry not sorry for anybody trying to reach me.

Keeping myself housed, and happy, is on my mind. It would seem odd to go into too much detail here, because, well, there is a real world out there, and real people might actually read this, and I don’t know if I want to drag the internet through my thought process.

But, I don’t know how the world came to mean so much nonsense. People need to be housed, they need to eat, they deserve safety and happiness. How long can we tread water for? How many festering couches have to be surfed, how many pairs of shoes worn through, how many meals missed?

Jeremy Kittel and Natalie Haas are playing The Boxing Reels on YouTube and the effect on my wpm is quite remarkable.

I want to feel welcome in a space and to welcome other people in. I want my own kitchen, and a commute that doesn’t kill me. I’m researching my options and the possibilities aren’t exactly inspiring.

I’m considering co-op housing. Then, of course, there’s craigslist; want to live off-grid in your yurt, or in a literal rodent-infested closet?– or the NEWSPAPER, or dodgy mortgage calculations, which my mom noted seemed to be based ‘not on reality.’

Craigslist is where I go for a laugh now.

“No pets allowed. Dog or cat ok.” — Thanks for clearing that up. I’ll have to look at rehoming my T-Rex, then…

“Private, self-contained suite. No doors, landlords may lounge in your living room and commandeer the washer/dryer that’s located in your suite, but otherwise it’s all yours!” –Thanks, but no thanks.

Shout out to my friend Sarah for all her hard work, and brilliance. You will go far, girl! And also, to my brother and SideStix team for giving my Stix some needed TLC and me the gift of silence 😀

I’m calling it a night, and going to find some chocolate to nibble.

–Sam

 

Feeling joyful

Without further ado, and in no particular order:

Talking with friends, laughing with family.
Popcorn and movies.
Sunny weekends.
Rainy weekends.
Blankets and books.
Artistry, warmth.
Contentment.
Green spaces, wild places.
Community.
Goodness.

Last but certainly not least: My headphones and fiddle are just too fantastic for words.