little-big things

Fall seven times, stand up eight — Japanese proverb

 

Testing 123

Hi this is Sam, I’m making stuff up because the internet at the coffee shop is… and I’m scared of everything. I feel like people are just expected to know and do things, but that these are things I don’t. But I’m here and warm and dry and with Rube, so that’s something. Today, we are both steady on our feet.

I’m looking forward to being home and doing laundry and then going to sleep for a long time. Maybe I will make pancakes for breakfast, clean house and do some yoga.

 

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kicking and screaming

black and white stripes fedora hat
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I was on the bus last week, and a kid had a full-blown ‘twister’ for the entire 20 minute ride. The reason? His mom took her phone back… Addicted to tech at 2. That’s too young! First thought was, maybe the kid’s tired, maybe he hates riding the bus in the morning, maybe he really doesn’t want to go to daycare, or put his shoes on or battle with his sister for attention, maybe he has an autism diagnosis and is sensitive to the lights and noise and vibrations/textures/smells that are part and parcel of being a transit traveller, maybe he’s just having a bad day — can he please, god, stop screaming, or even just scream a little quieter? it sounds like a murder in progress… I think I want to die now, actually. Death would be so peaceful.

Rather hilarious was the fact that a boy of similar age was in a stroller across the isle with his mom, quietly singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus” and pointing out all the interesting comings and goings on the street as we rode by. Mom and child, the two of them were completely entertained by and focused on each other the whole time.

So many parents I see on the bus with their kids appear fascinated with their own screens and oblivious of their offspring. It makes me sad. And it makes me so happy to see a real kid in a real stroller with a parent who is interested in sharing the trip with them, to listen to their thoughts and stories, or play peek a boo until they crack a smile, or play ‘I spy’ or read a book!

Anyways, I appreciate that tech didn’t take over my life or my childhood, and wasn’t a part of it at all really until at 13, I started using a laptop for completing homework assignments at school where they had internet, and when I moved out of the house years later, I got a flip phone for emergencies. The world moves faster these days, kindergartners are coding and in possession of smartphones, scheduled for all sorts of activities within an inch of their lives.

Being a parent is hard. Mine are amazing. Thanks! ❤

 

Cut-throat

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From sometime back in September…

This week was soul-sucking, spirit-crushing wicked fast rollercoaster.

I called my sister and cried on the phone yesterday, walked the streets in the dark, taking a trip out to view a suite in what some would term the middle of nowhere.

But at the time, it was kinda of perfect… Surrounded by apparently sane people, on the flat, with groceries just around the corner (open until midnight) and a library — as I found out today, that could have been the hormones talking. Still, that is one very big reason to bring someone along with you house-hunting –two heads are better than one. Because right then, my heart-strings were being pulled. I took that as a good sign I’m not dead inside yet.

I got up the next morning, heard 10 seconds of a story on the radio and started crying again. In my line of work, you always are reminded of the importance of mental health and positive self-talk, so I stared myself down in the mirror and said with wonderful conviction: It will be ok. Everything will be ok.

On the upside, I have a new rain-jacket that works great. Next on the list is waterproof footwear. Tacofino, with Forrest and Rube, was also delicious. And later spilling my guts to my brother who was awake, present and supportive was highly restorative 🙂 And I really, truly would like to visit France.

DailyLines from Diana Gabaldon was great way to start this morning, catching glimpses of book 9, Go Tell the Bees that I am Gone. And popcorn and Netflix is a great way to end it.

Recently, my mom said to me: “I would like to help but not sure how…Life is not so simple today” which means so much for me to hear.

–Sam

I killed my plant

My succulent has expired. Kinda ironic 🙂 Today was very solid otherwise… Got everything done/organized for the day at work — Maysome made me a cup of tea, which was just perfect! Made it home on the bus without incident. Dinner was amazingly restorative, with the house to myself, clean kitchen, good tunes and fresh food that ultimately ended up as pesto pasta and spinach salad (shout out to my sister who let me borrow herself and her vehicular talents to do some legit grocery shopping on the weekend for the first time in a long time). Listening to Bruce Cockburn with headphones while writing this and then off to watch Black Panther on Netflix and sleep like the dead.

Today was a good one and worth noting!

–Sam

 

 

4:53

I’m craving normal conversation and hugs. And comfort and optimism. I woke up this morning and felt awful, decided to take a sick day and fell back asleep until noon. Porridge for brunch, cleaned up a bit and now I have to attempt more adult-ing activities, namely grocery shopping and house hunting, and maybe I’ll get to see Rube later. I feel like I’m gonna keel over, and it’s 24 degrees outside which sounds fun, but isn’t… So, if I manage those 2 things, I think I will take myself out for a reward of some sort. Or maybe I’ll just come back and play some cello.

No guarantees

So I hopped on the coffee-train yesterday afternoon and the result was disastrous. However, the location could not be beat, with a engaging community of diverse individuals and perfect view to Main Street’s Saturday happenings. So today I’ll go back and try tea instead and run some errands.

You fool your self into thinking that once you have your shit together, it will stay together if you just play by the rules. But that’s not how it works, you must do things with intent and forgiveness and commitment to continuing that work with as much grace and laughter as you are able. Also, don’t forget to have some fun and break some rules! Life doesn’t come with guarantees.

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My friend proposed a picnic on Tuesday which I am looking forward to already.
Music lifts me up this morning and it’s a fantastic feeling, it’s feeding that internal fire, which I’ll admit has been getting a tad scrawny lately.

The day is still young and I’ve the advantage of not  feeling like I’m 500 years old, so I will  end this now and get on with my rule-breaking.

Hugs,

Sam

 

Park first (questions later)

i had the weirdest dream this morning. neighbour sneezed, thankful it jolted me awake. craving warmth and sleep. fresh bread, homemade peanut butter.
tea and i can still breathe.
it’s time to be present and not preoccupied.

However…
scared the double-sided adhesive strips will get me into trouble. no energy today. and still trying to sit still. worry. won’t be able to pull off this hare-brained scheme.

The world is loud and the work is long but life is good.
Missing that spark today though.

architecture brick building color
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Unsettling

I feel off. Like something is missing. Like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like everyone is too busy caught up in their own lives to spare a thought for anyone else. Like we all follow the arbitrary daily programming because we’ve been told if we don’t the day is wasted and we are unfit to manage our own affairs.

Despite this heavy skepticism, I would venture to say that I’m equally optimistic. Basically my head is a mess. So is my space.

But I’ve got a full stomach, and all my bills are paid, for which I am very fortunate.

That’s all the pondering I’m prepared to do today.

Do what you can to celebrate in the chaos and marvel at the power of forgiveness, it’s good for the soul 🙂

–Sam

 

 

Being done early :)

Today:

Woke up early. Watched “Call the Midwife” Ate cinnamon-raisin toast and peanut butter. Missed my bus, but got to work eventually and managed to get everything I wanted to get done, done!!! Left work 30 minutes early with a clear conscience. Had dinner; piece of chocolate for dessert. Bed. Bliss.

I’m not in despair
And I know
Because I’ve been there

But my lungs rattle
and heart hurts
Emotions run
the gamut
Behind a glass face
In a glass house

Asking transparency
Left exposed
Facing invisible barriers
Building roads no one sees

Light burns fast
With slow returns
For spirited beings
With hurting hearts

Walk with me
And don’t let’s pretend
we can be in darkness
behind glass always.