I feel I am being asked to participate and navigate and adapt and evolve at a rate that may just lead to my extinction. I want to feel the rightness of things and be present; be inspired. I want to create solutions that are timely and well-informed; embrace exploration.
AKA: Warts and All
I am still here, scarred, but still here. I feel that jubilant is a possibility — but still a ways off at the moment.
I realize how much I carry around in my head, how much worry is bubbling just below the surface. Still, I have a few key things I’d like support on, so hopefully, I don’t make a fool of myself and create a bloody tidal wave.
Some changes coming to the team next month and I am looking forward to the chance to look at the work we do with fresh eyes. #mentalhealthatwork
(I wrote that in April or March of this year, and now we are coming up on August with nothing to show for it but more Worry and Stress)*
>Don’t fret, I debriefed with my team, I’ve documented the details, I’ve penned a fantastic letter and maybe, just maybe, the proverbial bullet-hole will finally get more than a proverbial bandaid.
And, laugh if you can, cry if you must — because the body of this was sketched around 4 months ago, and reality hasn’t shifted much — maybe I’m getting more resilient, and then again, sometimes I wonder why we now shoulder the expectation that we SHOULD be more resilient– like everyone is supposed to aspire to be bullet-proof, instead of just a decent, healthy, happy, human being. We shouldn’t have to be 110% perfect, 110% of the time.
This morning I had the luxury of a sleep-in, made breakfast, dressed, did a bit of yoga and headed out the door. Work was a hive of activity. I came to the library afterwards to grab a few DVDs and just enjoy the space. Plans for the weekend include a handful of tasks around communications, and lots of self-care.
Some stuff still on my mind, but my head doesn’t feel like it’s going to fall off, so it’s been a good day 😀
Harder to walk these days than run (The Fretless). I very much relate to this song right now. The world is very loud.
Bread and Butter* Self-care. Be present. Do laundry. Create happiness. Worry less.
On account of I’m pretty sure I made sure everyone had a piece of my pie, except me. And that made me cry.
Don’t let’s throw ourselves to the wolves.
March 2019 was the driest on record, and I can believe and celebrate that 100%. Being able to walk to work in the sunshine sure beats waiting for the bus in the rain. I’m sorry if that means prepping for the next historic fire season, but right here, right now it feels pretty great.
I don’t remember anything about this day, except for the fact that I tried not to do anything foolish.
And yes, this post is from the future, because I don’t like having posts with parts all jumbled together in a row. This is an attempt to break up the mad rush my brain made, after the fact. And because I can, I’ve decided to make this post appear at 826am.
2019 will be the new year I’ve worked toward:
I’ve already done the hardest thing. And it was just as terrifying as I thought, but not as terrible.
I always believed there was a sort of map through life, that people will look out for each other, but I think really people just share and tell and witness stories, and there is no map. Which is good. Because I am terrible at navigation.
This year, my story begins in New West, with a bedroom I love and a balcony that bids light enter every morning, a larger kitchen than the last several, and trains in trade for that space that reminds me now of murder of crows on an urban telephone pole, a community above the bustle of city life.
I’ve vacated the cupboard under the stairs and am starting over in new place. Here is quieter these days, with less surprises, which is a relief. I’m not going anywhere. I want to tell my story and bring this chapter to a happy ending. I’m working on it.
My dog and I have a birthday coming up. He will be 15 and in charge of the coziness metre on Malaview and I will have grown another year, survived a few surprises and begun carving out a space in New West.
I have struggled with rules and definitions and saying how I feel, but I think I’m getting better at being present and staying true to myself. This is life with arms wide open and I want to do the best I can.
Today has been a good one so far and I don’t mean it to be cut short. I woke just after 7am, set my intentions and have made the most of the day. Having a good book to read, a balcony to enjoy and a space all to yourself is really the most beautiful thing I can think of today. I feel good. I feel strong and safe and peaceful.
I’m posting with borrowed wifi and so will have to leave in 10 back to the streets and sunsets and chattering rice pots that make up the non-digital world.
I’m really tired, but feel like today should get credit for being a decent one. I had a Kit-Kat and a hot cup of tea for a treat at work, stayed cozy and had a really good stir fry for dinner.
I’m moving again on the weekend and really looking forward to having my own place again, and enjoying some new sights and features (Balcony!!! Elevator!!!). I don’t feel at all prepared to relocate my things. Thank goodness, I think I have even less of them than even after the original ‘downsizing’ episode. So taking what’s here to the new place shouldn’t be that scary, but still.
I’m glad I can be me, and be human. And I’m glad I can share that with others and that I’m not afraid to be alone with myself. I’m glad curiosity is not extinct and that I can recharge when and how I need to.
Thank you for the great moments today. They are appreciated.
I can hardly wait to set up shop, sleep in my own bed, get lost in books and movies and tunes and let the light shine in! Also, pancakes and level ground! Clambering out from a cupboard under the stairs up to freedom on the top floor, good things are ahead (not sure I’ll be able to avoid the 3rd floor corridor though — good thing I’m dog person, haha 🙂 ).
Talked with Gma today, made me feel all warm and fuzzy 🙂 I’m talking to a lot of walls lately, so feel blessed when I can converse and connect with another vibrant human.
Question of the day was: “What comes to mind when you think of fear?” Answer for today was: “Being homeless.” Doubt is stalking me. Scripts are uninspiring, and housing seems horrendous, but cello, yoga and peanut butter toast are keeping me mostly afloat, Also, this blog.
I forget that this arrangement was only ever supposed to be temporary and that undoubtably there are more enriching experiences out there! So, the conversation has begun, and I am actively seeking greater security and enrichment. Tough combo, I know.
Working hard to keep that inner fire lit.