Catalyst (1)

New collection of my thoughts, adventures and oddities.

Yesterday:

I have no wifi on this side of the library. But I can’t bring myself to pay the demands required to have a home wifi connection for 1 hour of connective content in a day.

Reading a curious composition right now, Good News for a Change, authors David Suzuki and Holly Dressel. It gives me some hope that we aren’t totally doomed to be hamsters running on wheels, or lemmings diving over cliffs… I’ve learned that the small farms produce the highest yields, that the methods used by indigenous peoples for millennia  and similar traditional, local, informed stewardship efforts have ample evidence to support their continued implementation. Being architects of our own destruction isn’t as inevitable as I thought. And sustainable practices are possible and do currently exist.

And yet, I must admit, there are so many pieces to consider it still makes my head hurt to think about it large scale.

I’m planning on perogies or stirfry for dinner.

I watched most of the Station 19 finale. Ten minutes left and it tells me my machine can’t process this content.

Im home now with my noise cancelling headphones on, listening to silence for dear life. I’ve decided in reality that there is no true impetus for me to leave my house — other than to jump in and jump out of the Kozak eatery for fresh bread and babka (still would like to try the chocolate sourdough). 

And work. Because, despite the struggles, I feel like it is a battle worth fighting.

I really miss listening to Anna Maria Tremonti host The Current on CBC. I was speechless last year when I heard she would be leaving. For more than half my life, I have heard this voice on the radio, and now I’m a little lost, haha. The radio is still a good friend of mine, however.

timed_troubles

Recently, someone on the radio, a nurse or doctor working in the hospital on the front lines during COVID-19 said that, “A day feels like a week, and a week feels like a year.” That is accurate.

I have actually seen the number of case-files for our team more than double overnight. In other news, I have successfully revived a severely depressed office plant.

I’m reading and journalling, walking and working. I’m kept busy perusing my home libraries of music and movies. I alternate between that, and the radio shows, and if stuff starts feeling repetitive, I just move from English to another language. Probably French is the one I can comprehend best, but it’s always entertaining to hear Harry Potter speak Spanish, or the weather forecast announced in Punjabi!

I’d like to indulge once humanity is on the other side of this, by having a good dinner with my family, and watching a decent movie or show with popcorn. To just be present and under no pressure, even for just a few hours. And hugs. Lots of hugs.

-Sam

light-hearted

I have such gratitude for the past few weeks of slowing down and enjoying the rhythm of the days: Christmas eats, beach-walks, books and movies, to name just a few of my favourite things. I hope in 2020 I can be more clear-headed and light-hearted and continue to find paths of wellness and gratitude going forward 🙂

From the film The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King:

Home is behind
the world ahead
and there are many paths to tread
Through shadow
To the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight

Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade
All shall
Fade

Cheers to surviving the 2010’s and stepping with confidence and inspiration into 2020.

–Sam

 

today’s conclusions

I have a shorthand I use in notes to myself, and right now I have several projects on the go which can be jammed into the following boxes: Laundry, Food, Self-care, Work. I am surprised to say that generally all of these, with the exception of FOOD are going well.

My head doesn’t hurt, but it is quite crowded, and I’m trying to finish strong this year — which is hard to do when the days and hours keep sneaking off or sneaking up on you and you don’t have a decent day-timer to corral them with.

Life is just rolling right along. Trying to stay current, clean, calm and well-fed is at this point in time an adventure I am happy to participate in. But I really need some groceries. And my carrying capacity this evening might just max out at popcorn and bread (essentials) and pizza (dinner) and fruit (breakfast tomorrow). Thursday will have to be the day for more extensive shopping, in combination with additional Laundry, Self-care and Work activities. I have a plan. I will make it happen.

Now we are all on the same page, yes? 🙂

Good night!

–Sam

 

Good things (8)

silhouette photography of birds in flight and perched on electricity line
Photo by Elizabeth Tr. Armstrong on Pexels.com

AKA: Warts and All

I am still here, scarred, but still here. I feel that jubilant is a possibility — but still a ways off at the moment.

~

I realize how much I carry around in my head, how much worry is bubbling just below the surface. Still, I have a few key things I’d like support on, so hopefully, I don’t make a fool of myself and create a bloody tidal wave.

~

Some changes coming to the team next month and I am looking forward to the chance to look at the work we do with fresh eyes. #mentalhealthatwork

(I wrote that in April or March of this year, and now we are coming up on August with nothing to show for it but more Worry and Stress)*

>Don’t fret, I debriefed with my team, I’ve documented the details, I’ve penned a fantastic letter and maybe, just maybe, the proverbial bullet-hole will finally get more than a proverbial bandaid.

~

And, laugh if you can, cry if you must — because the body of this was sketched around 4 months ago, and reality hasn’t shifted much — maybe I’m getting more resilient, and then again, sometimes I wonder why we now shoulder the expectation that we SHOULD be more resilient– like everyone is supposed to aspire to be bullet-proof, instead of just a decent, healthy, happy, human being. We shouldn’t have to be 110% perfect, 110% of the time.

Day 4

This morning I had the luxury of a sleep-in, made breakfast, dressed, did a bit of yoga and headed out the door. Work was a hive of activity. I came to the library afterwards to grab a few DVDs and just enjoy the space. Plans for the weekend include a handful of tasks around communications, and lots of self-care.

Some stuff still on my mind, but my head doesn’t feel like it’s going to fall off, so it’s been a good day 😀

 

miles to the road (7)

Current Events:

Harder to walk these days than run (The Fretless). I very much relate to this song right now. The world is very loud.

Future Plans:

Bread and Butter* Self-care. Be present. Do laundry. Create happiness. Worry less.

On account of I’m pretty sure I made sure everyone had a piece of my pie, except me. And that made me cry.

Don’t let’s throw ourselves to the wolves.