Night out

Went to the movies with a friend Friday night after work and had a blast. The movie was great and the company the best. If you haven’t seen The Shape of Water, I recommend it 🙂

–Sam

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The 17th

Couldn’t think of anything more inspiring for a title today, sorry!

I finished my book. I got to leave work 15 minutes ahead of schedule! Ice cream was amazing 🙂 My onesie is the best way to beat the “I feel like crap” feeling I’m feeling that I’ve found this week so far ❤

That’s it for news.

–Sam

Winter’s best

I would give anything to be up the mountain right now breathing freely and of free air, to have finished feasting on a dinner of hardboiled eggs to crawl into my sleeping bag and drift off with my dog asleep on top of me, warmed through and loved to pieces.

I miss you, girl ❤

Monday’s Energy crisis

I’m so ridiculously tired.

No matter how you slice it, my days right now are always 12 hour days.

Thank god for peanut butter. And thank god for good friends who pop by to say hi.

Everything I’ve got going right now is DIY.

I’m in the driver’s seat and the tank is empty and the battery dead. There is no co-pilot raring to take the wheel, the gas station is days away.

I’m in the company of friendly ghosts, but no one who can be here now.

I’ve got the cold that makes your bones ache for the past 4 days.

Today, Monday beat me, and it beat me severely.

It could be better.

It could be a whole lot worse.

But I don’t think I could possibly be more tired.

syndrome similarities

White-nosed bat syndrome is a serious disease affecting bat populations. And it is wiping these little mammals out at an alarming rate. I honestly don’t know much more than that.

Lately, I’ve noticed some interesting similarities between myself and the bats:

They hibernate in caves in winter. They are mammals. They are small. Ok, that’s pretty much it. BUT, the way that this disease kills them, is very, very similiar to the way that this cold is trying to kill me: They get sores, and the sores don’t heal and they lose fluid slowly through these sores and other means and get dehydrated. They also burn 2x the calories waking up all the time, when they are supposed to be hibernating, to try and clean/heal themselves. Basically, they get dehydrated and burn through all of their reserves and starve.

Case in point: I’d love to hibernate. I can’t because I work full-time. And the hours I’m keeping and commuting right now are not fun. I’m waking up all the time. I’m also sick at the moment and my eyes are watering like a waterfall and my nose is running like a tap and dehydration is a serious risk, despite my ridiculous parade of tea and water and soup that I ingest at every conceivable opportunity during this time of the year and this week in particular when it seems my immune system was overcome for the first — and hopefully last time in 2018.

The timing is terrible. My days are packed. They can’t get any fuller. Fingers crossed things will slow down soon and I won’t have to invest in an IV this weekend.

Stay strong, friends!

WHERE IT’S AT

So, I’m busy processing details for my impending relocations. I’m excited. As I told Rube recently, as we’re near collapse from hunger, not having eaten anything in about 10 hours, coming back from the ferry and making a desperate bee-line for Sushi Station that has been our salvation on more than one occasion, “I’m excited — and trying not to let my own nervousness, and the expectations and opinions of others get to me.”

It’s taken weeks for others to catch up. To realize that it will be alright — nobody’s died. Though it would appear that some are still grieving the impending vacancy. Anyways, I’m moving across town.

In interviewing for the space I’ll be moving into, I was struck by several things: I’m doing it. I’m living well. I can get myself across the city with confidence and curiosity. I am not afraid to speak up, and yet I spend so much time policing myself for the comfort of others. But I’ve grown into the person I want to be, crossed that invisible line over to where hardly anyone calls you a kid anymore.

I spend so much time in my head because I am wholly comfortable there; as much as I’m not a kid, I am definitely an introvert, in a world that I think caters to extroverts. I tend towards the unexpected. Apparently. Though it might not manifest instantly.

When I was small, nobody expected that I might walk or talk or feed myself without assistance. Nobody expected that I might ‘win’ my case, or find work or get a degree or end up falling in love with work in the area of mental health, or live on my own. I certainly never expected to be living in the city or that my network would grow to include so many wonderful connections or to find such a profound sense of community and purpose, to spend my days talking (animatedly) for hours on the phone when I used to recoil from the idea or learn to dance or practice yoga or nearly dying of laughter in the back of a dragon boat.

Everywhere it seems people are growing up and growing old. Majoring in English or following a career in nursing, teaching or engineering. Travelling the globe. Building bodies and businesses. Acquiring houses and spouses and cars, and so, so many opinions and conditions. Following trends and campaigning various causes, touting life-changing tools. Full of perverse one-liners and cautionary tales. Seems like when you get right down to it, everyone is doing what everyone else is doing. Or if they aren’t, they’re making an exception to make a statement.

And, I’m over it. Show me some roots, some intimacy, some hard evidence, real wit and a belly laugh or two. I’m finding it hard to find common ground and the space to talk any more than for a few meters or minutes at a time.

My brother and sister can take off halfway across the country or the world for a year or more, move in with a half-dozen strangers, and nobody bats an eye. “That’s exciting” they say, “you’ll learn so much, discover such richness, touch and be touched by so many fascinating people and places.” Why do my siblings do what they do? Because they love it, because they want to try it, because they want to see the world and build their careers, to learn something about themselves and their abilities, maybe. I’ll have to ask them. It’s one of my goals to reach out and speak up more frequently. To bit a bit louder and more direct.

Yet everyone is so impatient. Every moment so fleeting. I sometimes get tired of the challenges and interruptions and wild interpretations that can jumpstart the loud-mouthed version of myself that wants to say (and does) “Shut up and let me talk! Please!” My side of the story has value, too. Everyone likes to feel appreciated, show me you care enough to listen to what I have to say. The fact that I am telling you anything at all should show you I care what you think, and I will give you time to respond.

There are things I’d like to keep private. I don’t think it’s really key you know my monthly costs or relationship status or belief system or medical history, or even where I’ve been or what I ate for breakfast, if I think dark thoughts or struggle sometimes. And people ask this of me. Systems ask it with even more frequency.

(I watched a documentary called “Good Ol’ Freda” about The Beatles secretary, and I loved it. I also really identified with Freda herself and her philosophy. Having found some truly entertaining entertainment without it being over the top was no small victory.)

But I do get lonely. Loneliness is a real thing, it’s even been diagnosed as a real, in some cases, life-threatening problem (for seniors especially, though no one is immune). It will be fun and good to make a new friend. To share a cup of tea or the occasional recap, maybe. To bring a little more warmth to the space and a little less worry. To try something different, to know a new city. Maybe it lasts, maybe it doesn’t, but I plan to enjoy it, regardless.

I’ve lost my glasses. So sorry for any typos.

Today, I started to pull my house apart and realized there’s not much to it. My minimalism is now fact. My plan was to have pancakes for breakfast, but that didn’t happen, so it ended up being dinner instead. I showered and had a nap and good chat with mom, finished off my supply of eggnog and listened to a few Youtube playlists. And wrote this. It has been a day of rest and recovery, and I am so thankful I had nowhere to be today, because just getting out of bed was an accomplishment 🙂

It will be alright. It is alright.

–Sam

1 doz.

I missed posting on the 12th. So, here are the backdated dets! I know it’s only Tuesday, but this week has been a struggle, and I think it’s good to take stock of the positives whenever you can 🙂 I work currently in a windowless closet, in the winter-time, supporting persons experiencing varying degrees of depression and anxiety and other mental health concerns. It can get pretty dreary. This is where I get my sunshine:

Hot chocolate
Hugs
A phone that works
Independence
Birthday cake
Sardines with the BB team
Common sense
Literacy
Being able to sleep in and then make pancakes for breakfast
Humanity at it’s best
Wrist watches
Community

the race is on

Sometimes I feel like my energies are scattered to a void. Like each musician in the orchestra is playing a different piece. The flip side of this is I realized I should talk to people more often, allies. Because talking to another relatable human is so refreshing and hilarious!

Many things have transpired over the past 2 weeks, and I’m beat and dying for Saturday when I plan to tackle the next bit after a pancake breakfast of my own design.

What are your plans this weekend?

— Sam