A long road (3)

In conclusion, I want to continue. Everything I have accomplished, all I have learned. It has been a long road with many discoveries and much meaning and I feel good about it; past, present and future.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for letting me share a bit of my brain with you!

All the best,

Sam

A long road (2)

Film etc. — Top 3 +1

Outlander Season 3 is coming back in September, the 10th to be exact. A date I am eagerly anticipating despite not knowing how or if or when I will actually be able to see said show.

I feel like a terrible person for still not having seen the 3 Hobbit films. I’ve read the book many times and loved the first film but have been unable to get my hands on all three and disappear completely into the story as of yet.

The Bionic Vet is definitely one of my new favourites. It’s full of eye-opening cases, cutting edge treatments and technologies, truly compassionate and caring individuals and highlights staff’s remarkable skill and vision in so many areas– in addition to and supported by– the resilience and recovery of the animals in their care.

I’ve jumped back into The Vampire Diaries which has been entertaining, to say the least! 😀

Food etc. — Top 10

Tomatoes -really, really good
Blueberries -heaven
Peanut butter -a life saver
Lentils -everywhere
Beans -versatile little guys
Chocolate -Thank you!
Broccoli -the best
Apples -every day
Brown rice -delicious
Carrots -sweet and crunchy

Books etc. — A half dozen excellent specimens

Day Planner -they know me too well 🙂 ❤
Notebook -someplace to scribble whatever and disregard the rules
Lists -help me keep happy and sane
Migratory Animals -a striking tale of family, love and loss
A Dog’s Life -awesome photo-book full of dogs
Thinking Like a Mountain -a little book tackling big issues

A long road (1)

I thought Friday would never get here this week, and now it’s just hours away from ending…

I walked to the water and back today. It felt so good. I also bought 3 shirts and a hat, just for funzies. I surprised myself today, acknowledging my abilities and impact and learning a new application for tenacity that made me laugh and appreciate it all the more.

I also just got to be me today, which was excellent, mainly in regard to the fact that I had time to process the various processes in progress, without feeling like someone was breathing down my neck or engaging any of fight, flight or freeze responses. Kind of like this post…

My dad always tells me the story of when I was little, like under 3, how I used to sing all the time — still do — and chatter lots. Of how it used to take a half an hour or more to get from the front door to the end of the driveway, not just because of the walker, but because I would be so busy taking everything in, feeling in no way rushed and just had so much to say…The fact I hadn’t yet mastered the letter ‘L’ was no problem. Often, in today’s unhurried moments my dad will give a voice back to that little person, “Yet’s yook at the yittle yeaf, Yinda!” which always cracks us both up.

And I do, I enjoy looking at leaves, taking those unhurried moments to just let everything soak in. Marvelling at the little things, for example, how if you put an unripe ‘avo’ in a wool sock it will ripen overnight…haven’t tried it, but I intend to! Another bit of wisdom I encountered today while wandering, which I thought was hilarious, is this:

Always give 100%, UNLESS you’re donating blood…

 

Sunday’s stock

I don’t know what to have for dinner. Why is it that that is always the million dollar question? On Thursday, if someone had put a gun to my head and asked me to make a decision regarding this or die, I honestly would not be here writing this today.

Thursday, I had an honest to goodness visitor! I was ridiculously thrilled. I mean, I know the time and energy it takes to get from A-B, and coordinating availability, well that seems to be the other side of a very rare coin these days (though surprisingly enough, I’ve managed to connect pretty solidly within my network recently, which has been fantastic).

The resolution to Thursday’s do-or-die was to avoid it all together and traipse to the pub for a burger and beer on the patio — most gratifying sensory experience since the previously posted about nachos by the sea 🙂 Nothing says summer like sunshine, good food, great company and cold drinks.

Today, I’ve slept plenty, read plenty, wrote plenty more and had numerous cups of tea — the first was sugar disguised as tea, the proceeding ones, without sugar are the real deal. Though, I feel as if I’m pretending to die of some horrible affliction, wrapped in my favourite blanket with two hands on a steaming mug, like when the wounded or weary are being nursed, pulled however briefly from fevered dreams and filled up with hot liquids brought carefully to their lips by someone with healing hands and an open heart, saying ‘Here, drink this. Slowly.’

The give and take is still there. And that is a beautiful thing. And it’s nice to have time to take time to be with and hear people on an authentic level. To know reciprocity after having worked so hard to build and strengthen essential linkages.

I can’t stop smiling 🙂 And I still don’t know what’s for dinner.

–Sam

 

 

Nope.

Was that how you thought your day was going to go…?

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Today was a bit of a mess.

More later…

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My brain keeps mulling over my current top five, and it’s just more work than I’m up for today, trying to come up with solutions when everything’s already past tipping point but not yet settled.

So much happened today. Life goes on, evidently.

I wondered why I was so tired. And then I realized I’d been awake for 14hrs already. That would be the reason…

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I love my headphones. I love frozen veggies. I love finding allies and sharing stories.

Tomorrow is a new day, thank goodness! And the day after that is Friday and I couldn’t be more pleased! Eeek 🙂

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Over and out!

Brain waves

Seven days seems like a lifetime ago.

Friday was great. I got a lot done, had a fantastic plate of nachos and a hug by the ocean. Saturday was memorable, due to the fact that I took myself out for pizza and in half-hearted, half hilarious bid to change a pattern of behaviour, actually received a phone call. It didn’t work. Grandma called just to make sure I didn’t forget that her door is open should I like to visit anytime at all, and to make sure no breaking news bites had come in from the great wide world concerning my immediate circumstances or any of my immediate family members that I might care to share — seriously, Grandma, it’s not even been a full 48 since I was last in your living room. I love you, but, I’d appreciate some introvert appreciation 🙂

There’s two sides to this. On the one hand, I feel significant pressure to invent some wild, passionate, enthralling tale to tell to people with insatiable appetites for novelties and truly heart-stopping news. And on the other, I want to tell them to go take a hike, or rather, let me go take one– I swear I’d be happier than a pig in mud off-grid and out in some wilder, greener place far removed from this the city that never sleeps, or even the ‘quaint village’ as one of my big-city cousins once termed my hometown.

My days maybe are not ‘interesting’ in the usual sense, but they are certainly never dull. I get so much joy out of the work that I do, the independence that I have, the inspiration that I find in everyday places and people and actions. Little things. I have an affection and an appreciation for the little things. Like, if someone feels safe enough to say ‘hello’ or calls me by name. If faxes come through with little smiley faces on them, or a sincere ‘thank you’… Japanese tea sets. Hobbits. Attention to detail that makes a story or a song or a work of art come alive and sends chills rippling out from your core and through a crowd.

[Like this quote from the Vampire Diaries: I never answered your question, if I’d ever thought about being human. Once. I was on a track in the Andes, and a hummingbird flew up to me and just hovered there staring at me. Its tiny heart was pattering like a machine gun… And I thought, ‘What a thing, you know, to have to work that hard every day just to stay alive, to be constantly on the verge of death, and how satisfying every day must be that it survived…’ And that was the only time I thought about being human.”  — Klaus to Caroline, Season 04, Episode 7] 

The smell of the ocean. The sky. Days full of nothing but movies and meals from scratch. Sleeping when you’re tired. Running when you want to. Good jokes. Great hugs.

Today for example: It’s been awesome. My phone died (to be clear, I’m happy about that one). I woke up at 11am after a fantastic sleep. Went out, grabbed a sandwich with everything on it and watched the world go by. Changed my change for laundry, Did two loads and hung them to dry. Cleaned up. Watched ‘The Super Vet’ and had my heart broken at least three times over. Showered. Drank three glasses of orange juice, had a live bar and some frozen dessert. Journaled, blogged. Listened to tunes and moved freely about my space. Planned dinner — yet to be executed.  That is what awesome looks like. To me. And yet, some people just can’t see that. Like the guy on the scooter I smiled at while passing in the other direction at high speed with the wind in my hair and the sun on my face who scowled and said simply, “I feel sorry for you” (Whoa, dude! Sorry? I’m sorry, but — what the fuck for?) And I worry about them, I really worry. They make me think of Dementors and their origin story. They start to sway me into thinking that the world is a dark and scary and horrible place with no hope and no escape from the things that have gone so terribly wrong, and I hate it. I hope they know that they are loved, that they would be missed, and that help exists and hope is within their power to grasp.

~~~

I spend a good portion of my workday screening referrals for severe depression and other conditions. And there’s a lot of stigma still attached to mental health, a lot of barriers down an already difficult road to ask for help and begin recovery. But, try to remember that it’s all real: how you feel is real, the illness is real, there are treatments that work and people who can help you, and you are not alone.

Mental health is so important. My work environment helps drives that home every day. I never really appreciated it before, never really understood its impact on my life and the lives of countless others. But I can now say without a doubt, that I have experienced both depression and anxiety to varying, but undeniably significant degrees during high school, university and as recently as last year.

I have gone to counselling and worked to develop coping strategies. But those weeks and months of panic attacks, sleeplessness, crying every day and for lack of a better descriptor, being in the depths of despair still hurt to think about. The struggle was real. It remains real for far too many people. The measure often used is, ‘have you experienced symptoms x y and z or 1 through 10 over the past 2 weeks, and has that affected your ability to function at home or work or school significantly…? Just think about that for a minute. Two weeks, 14 days. That’s not a huge chunk of time. But it is enough time usually to notice any changes, or realize that some changes need to be made. If your arm had been hurting for 2 weeks or you hadn’t been able to see out of one eye for that amount of time, most of us would not hesitate to visit the good doctor. To investigate further, find support, ask for help, begin treatment. But people sometimes wait years to reach out for help for mental health. It has to change. We need to start taking better care of ourselves, better care of our loved-ones and better care of each other as human beings.

~~~

So, that’s all I have to serve up to the blogosphere today. I need to go build myself some coconut curry and get ready for tomorrow which I’m sure will be entertaining and I know will contain at least one California roll, a few dance moves and some friendly banter. And hopefully more sun!

 

Mental Health Links (British Columbia, Canada):

The return

It’s nice not feeling like I want to hit the panic button every 10 minutes. It’s nice not having time constraints. The world gets too loud for me sometimes, and weekends like this one keep me inspired.

I managed to stay within walking distance of home, which was a nice change. And I walked most of the day both days, out and about exploring in the sunshine (Hallelujah!). I cleaned up, had great day with a friend on the patio, ice-cream at Grandma’s and spent some time watching the sky, which remained near cloudless and hosted a beautiful sunset.

More later,

Sam

 

Rule #1

I’ve learned in theory, not to hold my breath waiting for the many ‘undeliverables’ of the world, as much as I want to give people the benefit of the doubt on things (myself included), sometimes the doubts outweigh the benefits.

Works pretty well in theory. In practice, I still find it hard to breathe sometimes. I plan on taking in a bit of sunshine and gulp of fresh air this weekend in every sense, and am really looking forward to it. I perpetually look forward to weekends, as you may have noticed.

I’m looking forward to sleeping like the dead, and doing Saturday and Sunday in true Sami fashion 🙂

 

 

2 cents

This owl made me laugh ❤ I feel like we could relate to one another right about now 🙂

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Dealing with a rather severe case of information overload.

For me, currently, time is never wasted, but energy sometimes tanks and I’m dying for the weekend. Yoga and fiddle plans in the works.

I am beyond excited that I get to sleep in on Saturday!!!

I really have grown to despise hearing the words ‘soon’ and ‘not a good time’. They feel so  excruciatingly disappointing and woefully inadequate. A straight up ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ is so much cleaner.

Waste is top of mind.

And, why in an age where computers are plugged in all across the globe and spell-check is a basic function, can people still not have the capability or capacity to care enough about what they rattle off to make sure it actually is intelligible and presentable? Lord, help me!

Dance is done. Not sure how I feel about that yet. Pictures to come.

Feeling my way back to middle ground and working to stay focused on the ‘good stuff’ (ie: today’s highlights consisted of clean laundry, this post, books, tunes, chocolate and peanut butter).

Indigo was fun: Live tunes (!), some laughs, good reads, time to kill.

–Sam