Monthly Archives: May 2017

From the heart today.

I wanted to pour my heart out today. And today I have the energy to translate in part what’s in my head, into something else. I can’t talk like this to very many people, without getting some funny looks. So, the blog it is. Truth is, I feel self-conscious a lot of the time- whether this comes across or not, I have absolutely no idea. Every situation is different. Some say I have an excellent poker face and am the personification of one self-possessed. Others say I talk too much, too fast and really should learn to relax. I’m a dreamer and a realist, I suppose.

Maybe it’s anxiety, maybe it’s trying to find that key to blending in and standing out at the right times. Maybe it’s because I feel so unknown, or the fact that there simply are so many unknowns in the universe. And believe me when I say that I try. I don’t do things half-assed, unless I’m half-dead.

Why does ‘try’ get such a bad rap? Action, it’s all about the doing, these days. Don’t try, do! (Yoda and others). Trying is action. Trying is doing. It’s the people that try and keep on trying that make things happen. Even if you do nothing, that has an impact. Now you see why I don’t quote, quote, quote, pulling words from other people’s mouths and off the world wide web. Context means a lot to me, and often, context is lost in pursuit of sharing the above impactful phrases.

I got woken up by thunder and lightening at around 6am. I had toast for breakfast. It was delicious. I went to work and didn’t look up for about 7 hours. My good friend and colleague, Alex responded to one of my numerious emails with “Yes! You are on fire, girl!” which made me laugh out loud. It’s true — I’m surprised there weren’t scorch marks on my desk and a trail of smoke up to the ceiling.

The text looks different today? Why is that? IDK.

Went grocery shopping after work, stuffed my bag full of fruits and veggies and hauled it home to put on my chef’s hat prepping for the next 3 days of travel and dance. I did a load of laundry, watched a stupid video of a crazy bird screaming in ecstasy over the arrive home of a beloved family member, blogged, listened to my *Casual playlist some tunes.

I feel equally enthusiastic about bouncing off the walls or lying out cold on my bed. You know that feeling that the world is on fast-forward and it’s a push to keep up? I feel rather that lately, I am the one that is on fast-forward, and the world just isn’t fast enough. I look down and my toes are curled of their own accord as tight as they can go, my whole body primed for giant leap forward that nine times out of ten can only be accomplished in a series of small hops, bites and pieces, stolen moments.

I’m motivated. So totally motivated. I’ve been giving 110% percent across the board, because I want to, because I can, because it feels good. I’ve realized that for me, time is really not of any consequence. But energy is. Anything, everything, people, places, things, they should fill you up, inspire you to do more, be better, not tear you down. Generally, I’m pretty good at keeping this energy in balance for the greater good 🙂 But there is still room for improvement. Honestly. I’m motivated. So totally motivated.

Affirmations: I can do this. It will be alright. Don’t worry. Take care of yourself. Eat, Sleep. Laugh, Cry. Have fun. Do your very best. I will.

Be kind to yourselves,

–Sam

Advertisements

Let’s recap

It’s the start of the last big push, I hope.

The last 2 weeks, and the next 2 are make or break for me. Literally. There’s been so much activity, it’s making my head spin.

Jet-lag, maybe not so much… Ferry-fatigue, though, could be a new thing certainly. Seabus, Ferry, Seabus, Seabus, Ferry, Seabus! I’ve not been standing still much lately. Back and forth to town for dance, to the coast for festivities, family, friends and craft beer, the best ice-cream and some seriously delicious birthday cake 😀

There is so much good in the world, fantastic foods, good friends, great tunes, and reasons to be humbled by humanity.

Work is not slowing down. It is ridiculously busy. As Rube would say, “We’re all over the fence.” That made me laugh so hard. And dance has been a lot of hard work that is about to pay off as we prep for our show(s) this Thursday-Friday (www.allbodiesdance.ca).

So, after everything, I did nothing today, and it was FABULOUS! I got up, showered, dressed, had breakfast, a nap, watched some tv, read some, sang some, danced some. Basically had that on repeat all day. Stayed reasonably cool as the temp climbed into the 20s. Made lazy-man’s pizza with the bottom of the barrel that is personifying my life lately, in an affirming, laughable, good but slightly exasperating way.

Freaked out today when Mom yelled up to my window… Call = “Sami!” Response = “YES?!?!?!!!” Got a ‘dad hug’ and peanut-butter refill which provided a significant boost in morale. Watched the Batkid Begins documentary on Netflix, which was pretty awesome. Brought back memories of growing up running around taking turns pairing off dressed as Batman and Robin (the trouble with being one of 3 siblings and fans of the dynamic duo…only 2 costumes) Cops and robbers worked much better…dreaming of saving the world from the bad guys –and learning the secret ‘Batman grip’.

The summer is just getting started, so I’m still hopeful that if I can’t be Batman for a day, I can at least spend one unhurried afternoon on a sunny patio with friends and food.

More later,

–Sam

Into the wind

Going one day at a time right now, keeping my eyes on the prize… I can’t believe it’s nearly June!!! It’s just ridiculous! My nose is really itchy and I’m wearing a white shirt, which I hardly ever do, and I’m quite worried I’m going to start bleeding all over it.

Listening to The Fretless on Youtube ❤ Had an impromptu Coast visit which was splendid. I’m feeling pretty emotional actually, thinking of all that my life has been so far and all the people I’ve met along the way, how many have grown to become a part of a truly remarkable network, creating intangible ties and sending ripples out in so many directions. It’s just nice to know that people care and that everyday actions can have a positive impact. Too often, I think we take things for granted, leave thanks and love and fear as implied rather than acknowledged up front.

So, for the record, I value this life. Thank you for adding your voice to the conversation. My family I love more than words and I am moderately scared of spiders, falling, and pretty much anything that screams or goes ‘bump in the night’ — excepting sirens — I’ve got pretty good at sleeping with those 🙂

I’m finding more and more that there are more and more labels for things that I have experienced and heard bandied about but kinda always just filed away under ‘Life’ or ‘Common Sense’ or ‘An Unfortunate Event’ And I have to wonder if some of them are necessary? And why? Can something be without being named? I’d rather have someone pull a prime example from the real world, give me a detailed chunk of history or an illustration of attributes than simply slap a label on it.

 

Good things

Made vegan rice pudding, a new veggie dish, lazy-man’s eggnog, which all turned out great! ❤ Amazing what you can do with so little.

Andy, on his way out on Tuesday, said ‘See you Monday’ and cheerfully wished me a good weekend before realizing it was only Tuesday and that we would see each other again on Wednesday 😀 We cracked up! And I thought I was a keener for weekends (this one being no exception).

Similarly, I have a tendency to respond in kind when someone wishes me a happy birthday, with a genuine “Thanks! Happy Birthday to you, too!” which always results in some good laughs and a few funny looks.

I had movie quotes running through my head all evening, which was very entertaining #Hidalgo #HarryPotter #LOTR #CityOfAngels #PetesDragon #Outlander #Bones and #ChristmasVacation… Had an excellent dinner and sleep. Woke up to a relatively rain-free city.

The ground was dry today, which was good. It meant I didn’t have to contemplate the gut-wrenching, shoulder-crunching possibility of a tumble down the hill while running pell-mell to work this morning.

Alien abduction was beginning to sound like a very plausible explanation for the missing piece, but thankfully after a bit of detective work, kind Earthlings were able to return it to safe hands 🙂 I powered down on pile after pile of paper, called people too numerous to count and got a brownie into the bargain.

Got home. Got a few more ducks in a row. Caught a call from Forrest and had cozy little visit and sushi dinner. I feel pretty damn close to my true self with my brother. We decided when we are rich and famous to make the best of both worlds, having horses, dogs, chickens and bikes on a tidy little ranch somewhere 🙂

I can’t see it getting much better than I have it right now. I feel fulfilled and joyful. I am home. Forrest pointed out that a big dog is still missing from my life (true!). So, there’s that. Aside from a canine companion, however, I really don’t think anything could be significantly improved as my current situation stands. Seriously.

Danced off dinner, listened to some great tunes. Blogged and now bed. Tomorrow should be good!

That’s all,

–Sam

 

Wash, rinse, repeat

So today was soggy and slimey and I was the idiot standing at the bus stop in the rain wearing nothing but cotton,… Weather was not on my side today.

I was distracted at work. Things just felt ‘off’. Of course everyone blamed the weather. I could have subbed in for a wack-a-mole mole. The flow of people was minimal, thank goodness!

Went to Grandma’s for dinner. Had a really nice time after I was reclothed in fleece and fuzzy socks, feeling less like a drowned rat and more like a human being. Ice cream and strawberries for dessert — so good! It’s nice to feel welcome and warm!

Got soaked again going home. Stopped at the library and read a few pages of How they Croaked: the awful ends of the awfully famous, which was rather unexpectedly humourous and informative! Home, stripped, showered, pjs, Blog. Bed. Done.

–Sam

Unscheduled stop

Make your own fun, they say. I’m pretty good at that. But right now, fun is running low and frustration is climbing to new heights.

I feel like I’m standing surrounded by puzzle pieces emptied from half a dozen 1000 piece boxes and the joker who upended them on my person has left with all the boxes, so I have no idea what pieces fit together or what the pictures look like. I have a bit of headache.

I should probably eat something. Usually things start going downhill when/because I’m hungry… I got ambushed this PM by the unyielding and uncomfortable when I went looking for the soft and friendly.

I want to see results, I want to get a reaction, I want to build something. But I’m just done trying. Keeping up with the world is just beyond me at the moment. And the page is a pretty sure-fire way for me to unwind. It is such a relief sometimes to have have a space to put my thoughts in order as they clamber out of my head.

Compost, cameras, tea, email and community are on my mind.

My refresh button consists of the following action-items: Eat, Dance, Fiddle/Cello. Scout out possibilities for community engagement over the next 2 weeks.

Here’s hoping trouble doesn’t find me first 🙂

–Sam

 

 

 

No worries

It’s Friday. It’s sunny. My coworkers are amazing. I got heaps done and finished a half hour early. I have a full cupboard, popcorn, movies and clean laundry. I get to sleep in tomorrow for as long as I want! I have chocolate milk and fresh strawberries, a clean space and a free weekend. It doesn’t get better than this 🙂

–Sam

Annoyed

From a few weeks ago:

I’m most annoyed today. I just want to be left alone. I need to do some research. Some reading and some yoga. Sometimes, like today, I feel like I’ve lost communication with the mothership, except today I really don’t care. Seriously, I’m sitting listening to the same song on repeat for the last hour on my headphones, and eating pie, in sweatpants. I’m just flabbergasted sometimes how inept some people can be at some things!

Introvert awareness

I had a really great party of one this weekend 🙂

Stir-fry for dinner was awesome, and so were the leftovers. I stayed up late reading and watching movies with headphones.

I did laundry and cleaned house, swapped parts on my Stix, went to dance and wandered around town, enjoyed plenty of sunshine, had some ice-cream and visited with mom, watched a TEDTalk on introverts by an introvert (the irony) and rearranged my bookshelf to be more accessible and enjoyable (previously enjoyed on the right, still to be discovered on the left, big tomes on the bottom, lesser tomes on top).

The week was full of surprises, which set me hopping like a flea as various well-meaning,  much-loved ninjas came calling 🙂 Startle-reflex status: excellent.

I’m still adjusting to the fact that it now doesn’t get dark-dark until about well, IDK. Not at the time of this writing, and not at 4 anymore, like when what seems like last week when we were in the grip of winter. Time flies.

I’m gearing up for what I anticipate to be a challenging week, and I’m glad I’ve had enough time to recharge that I feel prepared enough to say ‘bring it’  rather than ‘Please, don’t eat me!’ Though that doesn’t hold true 365 days a year, 24/7, I usually manage to find enough fuel to keep that inner fire burning bright.

Last Wednesday I posted this:

Because at the best and worst of times, and any time in-between, apparently I am comforted by making lists…

Giving thanks for:

Friends who know what I’m all about
Chocolate/Peanut butter/Good tunes
Good food /Good books/Starry nights
The written word/Sunshine/Rain
Quiet/Hugs/Laughter
Water/Dance/Time to breathe

Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

Sincerely,

Sam