Hearts

Sometimes, I feel invisible. It’s usually not a good thing. Some guy sat on me once, in an empty bus. I was in disbelief. Just like, back up the caboose, bro and park it right — “Oh! I didn’t see you there!” Seriously?! I said “Hey!!!” Twice. I put my arm up to block the butt’s decent, I shoved. I rattled my crutches. Nada.

My dad visited yesterday. He asked if I get lonely. And I wanted to cry, because, yeah. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a dead zone. Or the universe is playing some cruel joke, like everybody’s got something tremendously more important to do than even speak a simple “Hello.”

And it’s hard. Because, I’m happy doing my own thing. And a lot of the things I love doing are enhanced with solitude: reading, singing with the volume up. Practicing repetitive phrases on cello, piecing them together into a new tune, running in the sunshine, even getting groceries! Really the only downside to being on my own is that every once in a while, the need to be doing something with someone, even if it’s just breathing the same air for 15 minutes scrabbles to the front of my brain and refuses dismissal. It is a debt that must be paid.

And the investment is costly. People have no time. At least that’s how it comes across. Let’s chat! Yeah, how about next week, maybe? How about a visit? I can come your way, we can meet half way, you can come to my place and I’ll make you dinner… How about next month, maybe? Pizza, beer? Popcorn, movie? Hike, Dance, Paddle? We could make dog treats and dress up and have an elaborate tea party? Just enjoy one another’s company? Maybe another time. 

I was asked once when in a particularly messy situation, how, ideally, I would like it to be resolved. I said: I’d like if we could go for coffee and just hear both sides of the story. The odds of that coffee date actually happening? Not a chance. And not for lack of trying. I’m willing to take a chance, make an offer, believe if not in the very best of people, at least that they care.

Maybe I’m clueless. Maybe I need to reinvent myself. Maybe I need to find a new bunch of peeps. But it’s not like you can just take people to the customer service counter for a refund or an upgrade or trade in. People aren’t cell-phones. Not that I would know how that works either, I’ve had my current one for the past 4 years and it still works just fine. Seriously.

I would give anything to hear someone say, “Yes! Let’s do it! See you in ten minutes.” And then to actually see them in ten minutes! 🙂  Not ten days or 5 hours or 40 minutes. To spend half an hour with someone I trust, with someone I don’t have to change for. And if we end up talking or eating or swapping stories that’s awesome.

If this sounds pitiful, it’s because I’m feeling less than awesome despite all I have achieved in the last 72 hours of this gloriously long weekend, full of solitude, sunshine and laughs and chocolate to name a few. This is the song that captures the two extremes and somehow makes me believe that everything will be alright. These two videos (here and here — if only making great friends was that easy) crack me up and Jim Gaffigan’s Obsessed is the funniest 60 minutes I’ve seen lately.

–Sam

 

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