Monthly Archives: November 2016

Captured

I want to capture, collect and organize. And yet, in some areas, I’m so dizzy I don’t know where to start.

I don’t want to worry. I refuse to.

I attended a BB event downtown where teams from all across BC, as well as ON and MB came together for two full days of learning, team building, brainstorming and fun.

It was fabulous to meet in person people I’ve spent months creating bodies for, hearing only their voices over the phone. Some matched and some didn’t, but all are incredible human beings.

Part of the training related to Mindfulness. Basically, just learning to notice your environment in a non-judgemental, unhurried way. And to reiterate that you don’t have to do anything about it– just be in the moment, notice it and just let it be.

It was much needed and much loved by everyone –we all felt so relaxed after, all we wanted to do was sleep–  and not run off to catch planes and trains and prep for a return back to our respective bustling office spaces Wednesday.

I write here what’s on my mind.

She is a prolific and respected writer, author, novelist and she makes a hell of a lot of sense to me right now, which is saying a lot. Thank you, Diana Gabaldon 🙂

I really love that for all the horrible things going on in the world today, the web still provides those shining, and surprising pieces of interesting and valid factoids that my wandering mind reaches for time and again. It makes me smile.

Looking forward to Saturday and clean laundry.

November was a complete and utter blur and I’m going into shock over the fact that in 4 weeks, this year will be done– how the frick did that happen so freakishly fast!!!

It’s been a year on a tireswing, full of soothing rocks and friendly laughs, gentle pendulums and wicked rotations, hanging on for dear life, hearing the slap, slap, slap of small hands agains the treads, pushing you ever faster until you’re spinning deliriously fast; unsure whether to scream in delight or terror or stagger blearily off, resisting the urge to be sick and play the odds on if your stomach will ever climb back down from behind your eyeballs.

It’s not over yet, I know. But that’s as close as I can get to a recap at the moment. And it’s where my brain is at.

My stomach is starved.

I’m off to eat, get cozy and catch up with Lilibet and Co. in The Crown on Netflix. It will be an enjoyable evening.

TTFN,

Sam

 

Bombs, concrete analysis and reciprocity

There are things that have left me shattered. Shell-shocked. Reeling. Overwhelmed.

So, it’s nice, when you pick yourself up and step out again, not to have a bomb detonate and send shrapnel singing dangerously in all directions in retribution for your courage. It’s heartening to hear “You are not crazy or cowardly, friend. I am here for you.” Logic and reciprocity do in fact exist in the forms I have been seeking.

Such was my experience this evening; it made me smile and it made me feel human. It gave me strength to try again.

–Sam

My own

Retroactively, I think perhaps I’ll print this post and stick it to my fridge, with a note:

Dear Sami,

Read this and know that it is true!

  • I’ve spent a lifetime up against other people’s measuring sticks. And it’s freeing to remind myself that that really isn’t necessary anymore.
  • I have the skills and support and drive to accomplish my goals and live my life in the way that works for me. I’ve done plenty and there’s plenty more to do.
  • Laugh, eat chocolate. Get involved in and enjoy your community. Take some time and space for yourself. Do good work. Trust yourself.
  • It means so much to me, to be where I’m at right now.
  • The impact is positive, and the time and effort it took to emerge– and the value of that work, that narrative and its many authors is recognized.

–Sam

Bits and pieces: an update

“There is a crack in everything/That’s how the light gets in”

Leonard Cohen has died.

And, these past weeks have been incredibly difficult. It’s not been smooth sailing, more like white-water rafting. I’m trying not to discount how I feel. To tell myself that it’s ok not to feel ok. There have been bright spots, joyful spots which I will acknowledge in this post. But there have also been days of dementor-like dread, and these are the ones I need to acknowledge, here, now.

This week I take another step forward.

I’m thankful to be full, clean, warm and dry. I like to feel the floor beneath my feet. I’m ready to get on the ice, one way or the other. But I am not ready for Christmas, thank you! It’s too bloody early.

Thank you, Jade, for returning my faith in the art of conversation and making me laugh. Dear brother, I’m sorry I forgot the garlic. Thanks, Rube, for helping me fill in the gaps.

If the gratitude and relief I felt after speaking my heart for 30 uninterrupted minutes comes anywhere close to what my readily receptive ear drums may give to any of the many and varied voices that colour my days, jesting aside, I am glad to be the one listening– and yet even more profoundly grateful to be heard. Both roles take tremendous strength.

Lastly, I feel I must mention how fantastic my bamboo tights are and how enamoured I am with frozen veggies 🙂

Thanks to everyone for sharing their light, it is needed in the world, always. That’s all I have for today.

–Sam

 

 

Challenger

rocks-175585_640
PC: toddwmac/Pixabay.com

So many choices, so many views, so many stories.

Step up, step out. Decide and conquer, they say.

Trust earned and stripped and ever so slowly returned.

The devil’s in the details, and now it’s an all you can eat buffet.

All lines are drawn in the sand and meaning prescribed.

Keeping your heart open is hard, sometimes.

“Both sides now”

Today was very busy.

Work was chaotic, and I felt like I was on a treadmill of paper work and pocket dials.

I was stressed out in some way, shape or form for about 13 hours 5am-6pm, more if you consider the fact I was so jittery last night, thinking about today that the fact I slept at all is a minor miracle; cue Outlander and peanut butter therapy, LOL — seriously, on par with CBT*.

And then it poured on the way home and it was dark and visibility was zero. But I didn’t care, because one fantastic human being, a movie and popcorn were to be in my immediate future. Stress gone.

I am so incredibly fortunate to have such amazing people in my life.

–Sam