Circus

Daily Prompt: Attempt #8 (Circus)

Been so busy taking care of others, that self-care has kinda gone out the window this past week; look up ‘circus’ in the dictionary and it’s the definition of my life lately. My head hurts.

Hope is so hard to give up. Hope that things will get better, be different, make a difference… There are rules that should be followed, and exceptions to the rules, and rules that are stupid and that no one follows anyways.

Death is on the minds of many people these days, as it is on mine. I’ve been watching the documentary series Emergency Room: Life and Death at VGH and all of the above is captured so well! Hope, rules, stupidity and exceptions, life, and death.

And the doctors, they say everyone should discuss how they want to die; if the worst was to happen, what would it look like and how should the medical team and your loved ones proceed? They say that all too often, patients do not have these directives in place and that it makes it difficult to know if what is being done is the right thing, that the default is to do everything they can, to keep you alive, keep you comfortable — although the process of being brought back from the brink is anything but.

Many say that that is not how they would chose to go, not how they want their end-of-life care to be carried out: rounds of CPR, metres of tubes, multiple transfusions, interventions and ministrations that may culminate in extraordinary measures– and all requiring various lengths of recovery time and follow up care.

I am not a doctor. My only close personal encounter with death thus far has been the death of my long-time friend and confident, Kita, my dog. It hurt a lot, I cried for days and miss her still; her having four legs and a tail doesn’t make her death any less important than anyone else’s. One day she couldn’t get up and wouldn’t eat. Cancer was discovered — everywhere. Treatment would have only given her a little more time, a month at most, and it would have been painful. She left on a good day, with a smile on her face, at a ripe old age and having given and received a lifetime of love. So, as much as it hurt, as much as cancer sucks, I was ok with saying goodbye.

Don’t quote me on this, but I think, should the worst happen, if there is a reasonable expectation that I could come back, recover, and still be mostly myself, to be able to move without excruciating pain, and live a normal life, I’d like the chance to try. But I don’t want to be comatose for years or cryogenically frozen… Donate my organs, cremate me. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, RECYCLE! Play some tunes and take care of yourself, my animals, each other and the planet. That would make me happy 🙂 If you could make sure I’m really and truly dead first, that would be most appreciated — I do have occasional nightmares about that, thanks to the CBC’s documentary Dead Enough (2014). Use your best judgement. Hopefully, you trust yourself and the doctors, and my departure won’t have to hurt so much. Love you!

As to how this post started out being about circuses, morphing into the slightly morbid and ironically hopeful…? Well, my brain has been making many, many connections and observations and this is just how it all turned out on paper. I hope it started you thinking, I hope you found it at least interesting. I hope you understand how little we know and how difficult life can be sometimes, how important it is to take care of yourself and let others know you love them.

“So, you’re going to feel sad for a little while, and that’s okay, that’s fine. But don’t feel sad forever, okay?” — Beatrice to her daughter (Grey’s Anatomy, S2 Ep 22)

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