Monthly Archives: February 2016

Splinched and blurbs (3)

Gosh! There’s so much more to think about and say and do, but for now, I’m only going as far as dinner, popcorn and movie, and bed.

More later.

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Trading smiles

I was lying on the floor on my back at dance, just enjoying the feel of the floor and the sound of the fans and the rhythm of my breath, and then rims and long dark hair creep into my field of vision. I smile.

“Hey!”

“I’m waiting for you…” the voice says impatiently. Why? I wonder silently, amused. “We catch the same train!”

“Oh! Ok. You want to go together, then?” I smile up from the floor and it is returned.

This is my kind of communication, my kind of evening. Don’t have to do much, or say much. Just move through it and enjoy time together. Smile and goof off and talk about hot guys at the gym, threaten to leave one another at the top of the elevator shaft, and share stories of people’s incredible genius.

Thank you, friend 🙂 It is so wonderful to know a kindred spirit.

Splinched and blurbs (2)

“Don’t act, be.” — Kate Winslet

I’m not acting, I’m being. All of today. I have been myself, with myself, all of today. Which is lovely. But I’d rather have company.

I want a living breathing being to share a moment with right now. I want someone to ask me a compelling question, and stick around to listen to my answer. I want to be myself with another person, have a conversation with equal participation and enjoyment that goes somewhere. And all of that’s a bit of a struggle right now, but it doesn’t make me want it any less.

I can’t shake a feeling of deja-vu, which is annoying and kind of creepy, when for the last week at least, moments have come along and I’m like, “I’ve been here before…Seen it before…”

Well, I’m running out of words to put on this blog, no conversations except with myself and posts to the blogosphere which is super, but not really taking me anywhere at the moment– and I’m getting hungry, so I’m off to sup some soup for supper!

Know me?

People think they know me, but do they really? And more to the point, I don’t feel like I really know anyone anymore… Do I? I feel like I know myself pretty damn well though, so that’s comforting.

All I want to do right now is to curse, and rest and make melodies, phrasing evolved from the original version of ‘Swear, Sleep and Sing.’

All this stuff close to me right now, I’ve taken in with the ‘That’s so messed up!’ filter on. Like, why would you do that, say that? To yourself, to others? Wasn’t there another option? Oh, yeah, there was, but you didn’t pick it, chose not to or were unable to, for whatever reason. And I think to myself, Would I do it that way? Hell, no!

And all this goes through my mind: The dog is (way) stressed out, not stupid! The human is near exhaustion. Plan? What plan?! Ever thought of asking someone-else for their professional opinion? Ever tried to look at something differently? Maybe nobody gives a crap about what you have to say– and maybe they should, or maybe they shouldn’t. Maybe they’ve decided to simply walk away and make something better. Have some respect for individuals, and their choices. Have some compassion.

And I just wanted to turn my brain off and sleep like the dead, escape the noise and the conflict and the chaos and the challenges…which was pretty much impossible and a failure, until last night when by some miracle I ended up in bed by 7, slept through 4 dramatized gun fights and 2 live sirens occurring within a 10 minute window and woke up at 9 this morning, feeling quite refreshed and looking remarkably human.

And all the really great tunes come through my headphones at the most inopportune times, like when I want to say, “OMG, I love this song! I can so totally relate right now and just want to shout it to the sky, sing it out-loud and laugh or cry companionably over it with someone close to my heart”, and that happens on the bus downtown at rush-hour with capacity maxed out and odours of the days of a hundred plus people clogging my airways 🙂

Anyway, in conclusion, I’m done giving, when all the other person is doing is taking. I’m looking for a little more balance, here and if I’m being honest, something a little more Sami-centric. I’m going on this, my journey and you’re welcome to join me, but don’t expect me to always stay between whatever lines you’ve drawn.

Like it is (1)

I can’t be sure, but I think I slept a solid 14hrs. It was great. Really, really great 😀

I’ve started watching X Company, and it’s pretty good.

~

The world’s not small anymore, people. Not in the way you knew it, not in the way it was. And the info is not going to be posted in your neighbourhood newspaper the way you wish it was, clear and simple and culturally curated.

I feel like I’ve had the same conversation 3 times over in three days. And I get that change is hard, sometimes it’s no fun and sometimes you end up in a bigger mess than you started with — believe me, I’ve lived only a quarter century on this planet, in one of the most rapidly changing chunks of time ever to have occurred, and I find it incredibly hard. To have to think about a change in thought and action having lived beyond that is no small feat.

And yet, sometimes the generation gap, the culture clash, is so apparent and so vast.

“Why can’t all the info be in one place? Why can’t people just speak english? Does the government exist to govern, or just to drive us all into an early grave?  Why does it have to be so complicated?! What the hell is Google, Twitter, hashtag, trending, Pride, YOLO, vegan, gluten-free, selfie and posting, twerking and Facetime?” Just give me a bloody phonebook and a rotary telephone and a pot roast and a block-party and call it done, you say. And I don’t blame you.

Is it just me, or do we have no history other than the list of stupid, at best self-deprecating and at worst self-incriminating Youtube videos and ‘news’ articles cached in our browsers along with the cookies, lurking and other guilty pleasures?

A friend once said, “We’re so boring, aren’t we? Really.” And I suppose we are. Everything we see is so one sided. We have been separated out from ourselves, distanced from each other, from history, from knowledge and beauty and community.

And no one wants to start picking up the pieces and peeling back the layers, because they already have so much on their plate, who knows what they’ll find, it could be terrifying there, exposed for what it is at it’s core, unfiltered, unbiased and raw. But it could also mean discovery. I’m haunted by both possibilities, and can’t believe I’m the only one.

~

And though it is a lot of work, you have to try! You have to start! You have to build something, share something, say something! Collaborate, network, question, learn, GROW!

I watched a film, in Anthropology. About the conflict between a BC First Nation and a local logging company who tried to lay claim to the Nation’s traditional territories, for the lumber and the money to be made. They felt they had a right to it, some residents who had been on the land for generations, a few hundred years at most. “And how far back can you trace your heritage?” says the arresting officer to the chief. And he replies,”Our people are estimated to have lived here…30,000 years, through the ice ages” (Blockade, 1993).

And I wish we could all have that history, that connection to each other, to our culture and traditions. I wish we could know it, rather than chase the shadows of it, and have true respect for one another, to be open to learning from each other rather than hold everything at a distance and look at it through our personal pre-concieved filters.

Inspired by…

  • Conversations with my elders
  • Geography 101 (Environmental Geography: Perception and Change)
  • Anthropology 201 (First Nations of BC), Blockade and the ethnoghraphy ‘We Are Still Didene’ by Thomas McIlwraith

 

Splinched and blurbs (1)

Let me just say I would do almost anything to possess the ability to apparate, right now. I’ve places to go, people to see, things to do, and it’s fun, it’s good. But it also requires a whole lot of energy, effort and planning 🙂 Boy, am I glad it’s the weekend!

If anyone needs me I’ll be installed at Sami Central, with tea and chocolate and a good book. Knock on my door, start a conversation, eat some pizza, but I’m not moving…

I lied. I have to go to dance. Because it’s fun, and it’s good. But after that my personal bubble is officially shrinking to within a 2 block radius of my home-base.

More later,

Sam

 

Slow going (2)

Meh! That’s how it goes today.

Nothing too exciting or terrible, just kind of sloooow. I don’t know if one can be bored and overstimulated at the same time, but that’s how I feel.

I want to visit and I want to be alone. I want to rest and I want to get up and run. All at the same time.

Dinner and a movie will hopefully be the cure, for now. Off I go!

Slow going

I’m clean (and dry!) and warm and comfy and burnt toast has been replaced with jasmine rice and fresh laundry.

Dinner’s almost ready, and I’ve got the evening’s entertainment all picked out. I’m not sure how I’m still awake. But I’m glad that I am.

I look back and I’m not sure how I made it this far– “You did what?!” But I’m glad I did.

Everything in my head is so crowded it hurts.

And so, I sit here and take in the space and the moment and the stillness and simplicity, that I wish I could share with the world and speak wholeheartedly on my passions and be heard.

 

Burnt toast

Yep, so I burnt the toast this morning 🙂

I’m just feeling like I want to eek out a comfy-cozy space in the clutter and just give myself over to the absolute bliss of this amazing sun streaming in the window.

But I should definitely do laundry and paperwork and housework and grocery-shopping.

However, I am now going to drink tea read one chapter of my book and have a catnap, before beginning any of the aforementioned tasks.

TTFN,

Sam

 

The Sammy Shuffle: part 20

I think it’s a case of mental and physical exhaustion, really. Because I’ve been falling with more frequency lately. Not that I track falls or anything, but usually, I can’t remember the last time I’ve fallen, and have conveniently forgotten how much pain (if any) was involved due to so much time having past.

***

Lately, that’s changed.

I’ve fallen down and up stairs, and out of buses and onto sidewalks and into crosswalks. I’ve fallen in the dirt and the mud, and because the toaster pops in the kitchen. It happens. I’m cool with that. Really.

I fall and nine times out of ten, someone will see and come try to help. And I appreciate it, I really do. I understand there are good people out there who want to help their fellow humans.

But I wish people would ask first, and take me seriously when I say “I’m fine. Thank you, though!” instead of the default reaction of being flustered and exclaiming “Oh my goodness!!! Are you alright?!! Here, let me… I’ll just… (grabs an appendage and pulls) Oh, sorry! Are you sure you’re alright, dear?”

Maybe I just need to be more assertive? Or give them some directions, so they can feel helpful and actually be of some genuine assistance?

Like, “If you could hold my backpack and just give me some space so I can get up (or a moment to just survey the damage from ground zero), please, that would be awesome! Thank you!” Or, “Would you happen to have some water or first aid supplies that I could patch up these scratches with?”

People are in such a rush! Like, can I please just take a minute, a whole 60 seconds to not move or get up or do anything except accept the fact that I’ve fallen and decide how to get vertical once again?

***

Dad says I should get a t-shirt printed with the words: “I’ve fallen, and I CAN get up!” 😀 I think this is both hilarious and an excellent idea.

Anyways, if I fall, don’t worry. I never do. My capitulation to resurrection process/inner dialogue usually goes something like this: “OUCH!… Well, that was interesting… Ok. No, I’m fine, thank you. Upsa-daisy! On with the show!”

If I need help I will let you know, but mostly, I just need a moment. And if you can remember to ask, that would be super cool, because you never know if you might be needed and there’s no harm in asking.

And even if you think I’m crying, I’m probably laughing. A visitor to the house once asked if everything was alright, overhearing my reaction to well-timed joke, because, when I laugh really hard, I sound like I’m dying of a broken heart.

That’s all 🙂

–Sam