Monthly Archives: March 2015

Crap.

Two posts in a day! Eeek! Sorry, but today wasn’t the greatest.

I am in a fog. And I just can’t see anything clearly. Everything takes so much effort. I’m just not happy with the way things are going. I mean, so far, from an objective POV, things are going quite well really, I’m doing quite well. But I don’t feel that way.

I want school to be over. Please god, let the deluge of assignments stop! When school started in January, I was pleased. I had class every day, Monday to Thursday in the afternoons, meaning I could get organized and get stuff done in the morning, (or sleep in 🙂 ) and then go to class. It worked.

But now, I’m sick of it. I can’t sleep, and getting going in the morning is hard, when you don’t really want to go… So, maybe I get settled and start studying, but, before too long, I have to get off my butt and onto the bus and into class. I’m finding now, that the afternoon classes and lack of enthusiasm for those classes, are really messing up my day(s).

The Sammy Shuffle: part 10

Breaking Point:

“Nothing is simple. Nothing is straight forward. They don’t make it easy.”

It’s been a tough few weeks in Sam’s Self Advocacy Saga.

It has been left up to me to be the responsible adult in the ongoing negotiations between myself and the other parties involved. It’s ugly, and for now, I’ll just leave it at that.

While all of this is incredibly stressful and the circumstances are infuriating, thankfully I have people on my side, to support me and share the load. Mostly, it’s my mom who is keeping me sane, who has been there from day one and understands what it’s all about. She makes the calls and talks to the bigwigs when I can’t.

I came home to a message yesterday. Here’s an excerpt:

“Hi Sam, it’s Mom. I’m just making dinner, so I thought I’d talk to you for a minute if you’re around. I talked to Ms. Smith. I tried to stay calm, but I raised my voice a tiny bit, not too bad. You can ask the kids- they could hear me from upstairs. But not too bad…And Ms. Smith said, ‘Now don’t make this personal.’ And I said, ‘Well, you know what? It is personal. It’s my daughter.’ …Anyways, those are some of the things I said…”

I had to laugh, because every time I ask Mom to act on my behalf, I say, “Could you do this for me? And I know it’s hard, but please be nice.”

And I could just see the discussion escalating into an argument, Mom trying to rein herself in on hearing that trigger phase so often uttered by unwitting opponents, “Don’t make this personal.”

Every interaction we participate in has an impact. If human beings (the real, ones with beating hearts) are a part of the equation in any way, shape or form, it’s going to get personal. And if you’re talking to a mother about her child? You better be ready! 🙂

Thanks Mom.

 

Set up for Success

Find what works for you. Have a plan, a vision.
Understand the process.
Go for the win.

For example, how does a girl on crutches (me) walk a 90lb rambunctious golden retriever down the street without landing on her face, when the able-bodied owner struggles to make it out the front door?

I know the dog. I know myself. I know the tools I have available and the actions that need to be taken.

I win. The dog wins. The owner wins. Everyone has fun. Everyone learns. No one gets hurt.

The Sunday Edition

This is it people:

I love the rain, and not just for the fact that without it, I am left sneezing like an idiot in this premature spring. It is so comforting. I love the water. To hear it pounding on the roof or flying around the washing machine, or running over the beach or past the boat or over the stones or down my skin.

I had an amazing weekend. I came to a decision, and thank goodness I have people who love me to back me up and draw strength for the journey ahead. I did dishes and laundry and hit the streets in the sunshine. I had breakfast in bed and immersed myself in a fantasy world. Snuggled in my sleeping bag, waiting for my sheets to dry, the days pass in bliss.

I needed this weekend. Everything fell into place- that doesn’t happen often enough, believe me. It was a weekend of self appreciation and indulgence and truths. Of authenticity. And it’s not over yet. I still have a lot to do. And I will.

My stomach grumbles and my eyes protest against the invasion of those smallest of particles and greatest of irritants. My skin is soft and warm, clean and bright with just a hint of the chill brought by the movement of cool moist air through the window. My phone blinks and the minutes march on as I sit here, typing these thoughts, and I can’t find a reason to rush, a reason to shake this quiet confidence.

And yet I must. Homework must be done and my stomach must be filled. These are the two inevitable facts of my life, which I can hide no longer 🙂 And I can’t argue that it’s time to get this show on the road.

Adios amigos.

Fingers Crossed!

Ok, so the past few days have been a blur. But it’s all good. I made it. And now… the WEEKEND! 😀

I finished work, went up the street and bought bread and a few dinner essentials, then came home and crashed- literally -on the couch with a toasted bagel and mug of hot chocolate.

I have so many things I am excited to do this weekend (fingers crossed that everything works out). But right now all I can think about is finishing my pre-dinner snack, curling up on the couch watching “Bones” and falling almost instantaneously asleep.

You know how young children look when they are falling asleep on the car ride home after a long day? All soft, warm and heavy, with their heads nodding slowly, eyelids being pulled inexorably downward with exhaustion before they settle into a deep sleep, muscles relaxing, and they are lost to the world? That’s exactly how I feel right now.

I need to go put the rice on and take my shoes off and invest those 50 minutes in some self-rejuvenation.

Later, alligators…

 

baby-174840_640

 

 

 

Snapshot

Frustrated. Out of sync.

I want answers. I want heat.

I am incapsulated in a block of ice.

Blue in the face. My mind is numb.

There are no sparks anymore, no passions shared.

Life is on a loop, though no one else seems to notice.