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The wind howls. Rain rushes down the window panes and tires hiss on the roads outside. The keys click softly as I type. My fingers are clean and smooth and pink. It is a wonderful feeling, being clean. Not like days ago, when my finger nails on the left hand turned a mysterious blue…Don’t ask me why, I haven’t a clue.

Perhaps the fiddle is to blame. I played for an hour or two the other night, mostly Oli tunes. It made me happy. To find something immediate and real. To have something to focus on, to progress as fast or as slow as I like, to see and hear and feel the immediate effects. There is no one to tell me how to play, no marks given, no winning or losing; I can pretend no one is listening, and just play.

At first, it is hard. Awkward. My whole self trembles- I get self conscious even around myself sometimes, and everything freezes. Put the feet on the floor? Not a chance. Thaw those fingers? No such luck. RELAX! I shout inside my head. The command reverberates throughout my body and gradually the tension lessens.

The instrument has a wonderful, full sound. My fingers dance across the strings and the bow rises and falls. Bits and pieces of old tunes come together. I play until the tension is gone entirely, until I am comfortable with the flow of the music. Until the stress of the day is replaced with rich tones, vibrant harmonies and melodies that make me smile.

It has been a trying few days. And yet, right at this moment I am smiling, because I am clean and safe and warm in bed, this post is complete and I have a fantastic book to read before falling asleep.

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